Ask about the situation, not the child's character
Choose a quiet moment away from the match call. Try an open question such as, ‘Which part of the competition are you thinking about most?’ A younger child may find it easier to choose between concrete possibilities: waiting, stepping onto the mat or not knowing what to do. Let a teenager describe the problem in their own words.
Avoid deciding that the athlete is lazy, weak or simply needs tougher opponents. Write down what they actually say. ‘I do not know what happens if I lose’ calls for an explanation of the event; ‘My partner hurts me in that position’ calls for attention to the training situation.
Make the adult response predictable
AASP's parent guidance emphasizes development and effort rather than making a child's value depend on winning. Put that into a specific agreement: the same welcome after a win or loss, no surprise technical interrogation on the ride home, and permission to say when something is unclear.
You can care about competition while keeping your relationship separate from the result. Before the event, ask whether the child wants a hug, a quiet break or time with the coach afterward. Their answer can change, so offer the choice again rather than treating the agreement as a rule they must follow.
Choose one manageable next experience with the coach
If uncertainty is the problem, ask the coach to explain the sequence from arrival to the first match. If a specific position is worrying the athlete, the coach can check their understanding during supervised practice. If the child does not want to compete, discuss their readiness and alternatives before entering another event.
A training game with a clear stop signal, watching a local event or meeting the coach at the competition venue may be useful options to discuss. These are different steps with different demands. Do not present a tournament entry as an unavoidable test of courage.
Use language the athlete can act on
Support is easier to use when it describes a task or offers a choice. Instead of ‘You must win this one,’ ask what the athlete wants to remember at the start. Instead of ‘There is nothing to be afraid of,’ ask which part feels uncertain and who can help explain it.
Keep instructions consistent with the coach. A parent shouting a second tactic can make an already confusing moment harder to interpret. Agree who provides technical directions, and let the athlete know how to find that person.
- Before: ‘What would help you feel prepared for the next step?’
- After: ‘Would you like to talk now, later, or with your coach?’
- At practice: ‘What did you learn that you would like to try again?’
Know when the question is larger than a match
If distress persists beyond competition or interferes with sleep, school or everyday life, involve a qualified mental health professional rather than repeatedly trying a new pep talk. A coach can adjust the training environment and discuss the sport; clinical assessment is a different responsibility.
For a technical concern, BORETS membership includes private coach questions and match-video review. A parent can describe the situation, identify a timestamp and ask what the child should work on with their local coach. Share the child's account of the problem as well as your observation of the match.
Explore the video library
Published lessons in this training category, ready for your next session. Watch them all with your school membership.
Training with Purpose: Control and SafetyIevgen Skyrda
Grappling Mindset: Adapting to the RulesIevgen Skyrda
Grappling Mindset: Growth and Enjoying TrainingIevgen Skyrda
Train for Skill, Not Just the TapIevgen Skyrda
Common questions
Should I tell my child that everyone gets nervous?
You can reassure them that they can talk about nerves, but do not use reassurance to close the conversation. Ask what feels difficult for them and what support they want. Their particular concern is more useful than a general statement about other athletes.
Can these ideas help adult athletes too?
Adults can also clarify what worries them, agree on corner communication and separate a result from personal worth. An adult athlete should lead those decisions. The parent-specific guidance here applies to supporting children and teenagers.
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Continue reading
- Mental Training for Wrestling and Grappling: Practice Your Next DecisionBuild a practical mental training plan for sambo, wrestling and BJJ: attention cues, mistake recovery and match review for young athletes and adults.
- A Pre-Match Routine for Sambo, Wrestling and BJJPrepare for your next grappling match with a flexible routine: warm-up, one tactical cue, a plan for delays and clear roles for coaches and parents.
- Goal Setting for Grapplers: Turn a Match Problem Into a Practice PlanUse clear training goals in sambo, BJJ and wrestling. A practical worksheet connects match video, coach feedback and progress for children and adults.